I read about these sorts of situations from Schneier all the time, where bouts of paranoia and the lack of common sense run rampant around security issues. One of his latest articles that springs to mind is his commentary on the risk of mobile phones on airplanes, where a remote chance of useful technology being used for bad purposes has to be strictly controlled, often employing outrageous techniques.

I’d also presume that in my line of work these sorts of issues would pop up daily but in fact they don’t. Not to say that it doesn’t occur, just not all the time, or as frequently as I would guess – but at the same time I’m not sure that I can compare the environments.

It was with much dismay that one of these experiences happened to me first hand (or second hand as Sara was the poor dear who had to put up with airport security incompetence). And today we’re talking about Umbrellas. Yep – those deadly weapons used by ninja-like assassins all over the earth to dis-embowel and de-head people.

All we were doing was seeing off my eldest sibling (plus hubby + soon-to-be-born baby) from the domestic airport and the next thing I know Sara’s Umbrella is being denied entrance into the departure lounge. On top of this they did not offer a single suggestion for what she should do with the item, including offerering to hold it for her. In fact, they advised her that it was her problem and they didn’t really care what she did with the Umbrella, as long as it didn’t enter the departure lounge. In short, they hinted that she should go put it back in her car – but naturally the reason for having the Umbrella in the first place was because of all the god-damned rain. So what was she meant to do? Run out through the rain, place her Umbrella in the car and run back through the downpour? Hell no – instead she did something that I’m sure in itself may have been a security breach, and that was to hide the Umbrella under a display table.

As far as my brief research could tell – there is only a single mention of Umbrellas in regards to aviation security. Furthermore they advise that Umbrellas are “allowed in carry-on baggage once they have been inspected to ensure that prohibited items are not concealed“. When looking for mentions of when these weapons of mass destruction should be allowed on local flights I found Nothing. That’s right Absolutely Nothing. So what were these security officers thinking?

Probably not much of anything – or if anything at all it was probably more along the lines of – “inspect this umbrella? can’t be bothered.” So did they make the environment safer? I would say no. Especially as the item in question was hidden under a table for some other would-be murderer-slash-psychopath to pick up and cause some serious damage with.

So what to do next time? Ponchos. Ponchos people ponchos.

Read about my thoughts on Queens Of The Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze

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Pregnancy & Babies.

It is one of the oddest yet most common things that humans will experience. It has the ability to draw everyones eye. It can turn the toughest looking guy into a “goo-ing gaa-ing” moron. It can spawn conversations about names or the better ways to position your baby for birth. In certain situations it’s enough to get semi-complete strangers to walk up to you and rub your belly with their hands with a look of awe across their face. It’s also unfortunately, I’m guessing, one of those things that I’ll never get to experience personally.

Not to say that I won’t be closely involved with child-birth – I myself am planning on some little-winks eventually – but obviously having been born without the functional requirements which are necessary to birth a human I’ll only ever experience a sub-dued description of the events taking place.

My eldest sister is pregnant. Wholy-crap-you’re-huge type of pregnant. She waddles. She rubs her belly. She sticks it out. She pushes through queues.

And it is completely amazing.

She is taking a very naturallistic approach to the whole event and as of yet, 5-weeks to go, does not know the sex of her child. She’s also planning on having a very un-medicalised birth, which she has told us is a very very healthy way to have a child – she likes to remind us that “woman have been having children for centuries now without a lot of medical intervention.”

I think when she talks about these things you can see that look cross peoples faces where they are thinking “she might be right – but give me the drugs anyday.”

My other sister is the mother of two very healthy young cherubs (devils – whatever) but she on the other hand took the very medical approach. Of course her situation was slightly different, and over 10 years younger as well.

The way I look at it though is that either way the end-product is the same thing. As long as the mother and child emerge from the event successful then I don’t really care which approach is used. Give birth in the middle of the ocean, do it on an airplane, find an elevator, pull over on the side of the freeway, in an emergency ward, in a birth clinic. As long as you’re both healthy – kudos to you.

I hope to see you in a few weeks felix or sophia. May your birth be pleasant.